Grieving for mom: how loss changes the heart

What does it feel like to say goodbye to your beloved mom? What can carry you when grief rolls over you, and where can new hope become visible?

I believe the fear of having to say goodbye to someone we love lives in all of us. Some people find the courage to look at that fear. Others push it away or try to ignore the finitude of life — hoping it won't happen to them, at least not now, not so soon, not yet.

And yet in any moment it can hit us. The very thing we fear most. An illness, an accident, death — and suddenly everything is different.

In this interview, I want to introduce you to a woman I had the honor of accompanying through the process of saying goodbye to her mom. Margarita is 24 years old. For two years she stood side by side with her mom through a cancer diagnosis. Two days after she began her grief companionship with me, her mom died. Now she faces the reality of building a life without her beloved mom.

What she learned from her mom during that time, which memories give her strength today, and what has held her — you'll find all of that in this interview. This conversation touches not only those who are grieving right now. It also offers something important to anyone who has been living with the fear of loss — and shows that grief is not only pain, but can open a path to living more deeply.

Theres: t.rau*raum .rau*raum is named the way it is because I believe that death and grief need space — a place where feelings can simply be, without being judged or pushed away. Margarita, to open our interview, I want to ask you something a little different: Imagine we meet in an elevator, on the way up. For a brief moment we share this small, enclosed space. As our eyes meet, I ask you: when you walk into a room — what is more present there?

Margarita: When I walk into a room, I bring hope with me. Even in pain, I believe that something larger carries us.

About you

Theres: What qualities do you appreciate most about yourself?

Margarita: I love helping people — pulling someone out of a low point or a difficult situation and helping them rebuild. Sometimes I find that quality a burden, because you start expecting the same from others. But I've learned that your willingness to help shouldn't depend on how others respond. It should come from the heart. I'm also ambitious — when I set my mind on something, I want to see it through, even if right now a lot of my focus is on the grief and the procrastination that comes with it.

Theres: What matters to you in life?

Margarita: I want to know that the people I love, and I myself, are safe and free. I'm still a positive person at heart, and even with everything I've been through, it matters to me to be as happy as I can be in this moment and to live life fully. I want joy, happiness, and love in my life as often as possible, and I try to create those moments for myself.

Theres: Who are you grieving for?

Margarita: I'm grieving for my beloved mom, who passed away far too early at only 49 years old.

Memories that remain

Theres: What three words would best describe your mom?

Margarita: My mom was so many things, so it's hard to do her justice with only three words. But I'll try: she was incredibly helpful, loving, and strong.

Theres: Can you tell me who your mom was to you — how you hold her in your memory when you think of her?

Margarita: My mom wasn't just the woman who gave me life — she was so much more. She was my best friend. I could talk with her for hours about everything and nothing, and she understood me. She could catch me in any difficult moment and lift me back up — I always found grounding in her. I will always see in her the strong woman she was. Even as cancer tried to make her weak, she resisted it, and showed me that even with a diagnosis that heavy, you can hold onto who you are.

And beyond that, she was the whole package. I wanted to go to the salon — my mom could cut my hair. I thought about eating out — but why, when I had the best cook in the world at home? I was sick, and no medicine helped as much as her raspberry tea. Boy problems? Go to a relationship coach? No way. Mom had the best advice and turned me into my own coach. Trouble at school? Couldn't happen when Mom was studying with me — so why pay for tutoring?

I could give so many more examples. But I think you can see how enormous a role she played in my life — and will always play, even though she is no longer here physically. Thank you, Mom.

Theres: Is there an image, a moment, or a gesture from her that especially stays with you?

Margarita: The moment every morning when I woke up as soon as I heard her moving in the kitchen. I woke up happy every morning because I knew I'd be having coffee with her and talking to her soon. Now that's one of the hardest parts of every day — getting up and drinking coffee alone.

Theres: What are you grateful to your mom for?

Margarita: I'm incredibly grateful to her for my life. She gave up a life in another country so she could give me the chance to come to Germany. She left her own mother, her brother, and the love of her life so that I could have a better life. That determination, that strength, that love — she passed all of it on to me, and I can pass it on to the people who matter to me. She loved me unconditionally, took care of me, and made sure I had everything I needed. And I'm so grateful that she brought my sister into the world so I wouldn't be alone — she said that herself. Thank you, Mom.

When the world goes quit

Theres: Your mom died on June 21, 2025. Take me into the days, weeks, or months before — how did you experience that time?

Margarita: That's a time I'd rather not think back on, because it was filled with suffering and pain from her illness. And yet that intense time was also marked by unconditional love, strength, and standing together. I was focused entirely on how I might save her from death, even though I knew rationally that our time was limited. I researched constantly, spoke with doctors, worked full-time, studied part-time alongside that, and took care of her as best I could. I had no time for myself and forgot who I was and what was good for me. I was with her at the hospital almost every day, drove her to her treatments, and stayed during her procedures so I could hold her hand. It was important to me to do everything I could to help her. She was never alone for a single day. I was always by her side.

What carries you

Theres: What helps you in living with your grief — are there small rituals, people, or places that give you grounding?

Margarita: It helps me to talk about it in the grief companionship and let all my feelings and thoughts have room. My partner is also a big support — he lifts me back up when I'm struggling. He distracts me, and with him I can let myself fall apart and let my grief be there. It helps me to exercise and to keep some structure in daily life, because otherwise you lose your footing. My mom always said: "You can never be bored — there's always enough to do." And she was right. Distraction and structure are very important. But so is actively sitting with the loss — going to the cemetery, for example. There I tell Mom about my life, just like I used to, and I hope she hears me.

Theres: What role does the memory of your mom play for you today — in your life, your daily routines, your heart?

Margarita: My mom was an incredible source of inspiration and strength for me and for the people around her. I try to honor her and carry her values forward, because a part of her will always live on in me. When I find it hard to take care of myself, I think about how even in her worst moments she still reached for her face cream to moisturize her skin, or tweezed her eyebrows when the ambulance was on the way. If she could do that in a state like that, then I have to be able to manage my basic self-care routines.

Theres: Is there something that gives you new strength — a thought, an image, or a sentence you come back to?

Margarita: I try to hold onto the thought that one day, when it's my turn (hopefully not for a very long time), I'll get to see her again. And I want to tell her about the life I lived with dignity — so we'll have things to laugh about together. Three weeks before she died, she sent me a birthday message in which she wrote down all her wishes for me, including the wish that I stay strong. That's the sentence I come back to whenever I feel like I'm breaking — and it will carry me forever.

Words for others

Theres: If other people going through something similar read your words — what would you want to give them, so they feel a little less alone?

Margarita: I struggle a lot with how deeply unfair it feels to have lost my mom so early. No one in my immediate circle has been through this, so no one truly understands — but over time you start to realize that you're not alone at all. There are so many people going through something similar. You just can't see it in them. Sooner or later, everyone will face this. And it helps to be there for yourself when the people closest to you can't give you what you need. Be to yourself the kind of support you wish you had from others.

It helps me to focus on my goals and dreams and work toward them. Exercise is also really good for your mind and body — it helps you find your way back to yourself.

Theres: What would you say to people who have someone in their life going through something like you are? How can they truly be there and support someone in that kind of situation?

Margarita: People in my life told me after the funeral that they were there for me and I should reach out whenever I needed something. But the interest faded after about two weeks, and I realized that life moves on for everyone else, and they stopped checking in on me. Since I'm not someone who naturally reaches out and asks for help — especially because I don't even know how to put into words what I need — I can only offer this:

If someone in your life has lost someone they love, please go to them. Offer concrete help: buying food, suggesting a shared activity, meeting up and giving them the space to let everything out. The small things suddenly become enormously important, because when you're grieving, you forget to just go buy groceries, cook something nice for yourself, or go to the movies. Show that your words are followed by actions — that means everything during a time this hard.

Theres: How do you experience grief in your body or your soul — are there moments when it rolls over you unexpectedly?

Margarita: At first it was hard to sleep, eat properly, work, even drive. I couldn't focus on anything and I depended on the help of the people around me. It's getting better now, but emotionally there are definitely moments that pull me completely back into the grief. We still have family photos at home where my mom is in them, and it's incredibly hard to look at those — seeing her laughing, the four of us a happy family — because we can never be that again.

When I see other daughters my age or older with their moms on the street or online, I feel something like envy, because I'll never have that again in the way they do. That's something I'm still working on, because I was never someone who felt envious of others.

Your grief counseling with me

Theres: What moved you to seek support in your grief — and when did you start making space for it with me?

Margarita: I'm someone who usually tries to handle everything on my own and rarely asks for help. But when I realized my mom was going to die soon, I knew I couldn't do this alone — and I didn't want to. Even since my mom's diagnosis I'd been in anticipatory grief, and I'd been carrying that alone, which meant I couldn't really give the grief any real space. I think we can do almost anything we put our minds to, but sometimes we don't have to do it alone — especially not when it comes to losing someone we love. Thank goodness I found you, and I was able to start talking with you even before my mom actually died.

Theres: How did you experience our first meeting?

Margarita: I reached out, and I think you called me that same day. First I noticed how warm and calming your voice was. I immediately felt that you were the person I could trust — and who could carry me through this hard time. We connected right away, and even though I was very emotionally charged and cried a lot at first, after our call I felt a lightness I hadn't experienced in a long time. After a longer first conversation you'd already built a foundation of trust between us, and I could barely wait to talk to you again.

Theres: If someone from outside asked you — how would you describe the grief companionship with me?

Margarita: It's not actually a hypothetical question — people ask me often how I feel in the grief companionship with you. And to put it simply: unique. You've been accompanying me for close to three months now, and in that time I've experienced so much pain and grief. And yet it's helping me make it more bearable. Every session we talk about completely new things, so I leave each hour with fresh impulses and perspectives that I couldn't have seen before, in my grief-narrowed field of vision.

The companionship is understanding, empathetic, warm, and inspiring. Because I don't want to live only in the pain — I want to try to keep living my life as well as I possibly can in a situation like this — you are exactly the right person for me. Of course there are also very sad moments where I have to sit with the pain. But we all have to. Otherwise we'd only be postponing the grief.

Theres: What wishes for your life can you work out or see more clearly through the companionship?

Margarita: After every call I notice that I want to keep moving forward in my life, not just stand still. Because I don't want my grief to dictate my life — I want to decide for myself when and how I grieve. I want to keep living my normal life as well as I can, because at the end of the day, I can't change the fact that my mom can no longer be with me physically. But she would have wanted me to stay strong and keep going as best I can. The companionship with you helps me do exactly that.

Maybe you recognize yourself in some of these feelings. Maybe you are grieving someone you love right now. If so: you are not alone — and there can be spaces where everything that moves you has room.

With love,

Theres