Grief in the workplace: is it even allowed here?

What happens when no one talks about it

When someone we love dies, or when a life-limiting diagnosis suddenly becomes real, a person's whole world can collapse in a single moment. It might be a child, a sister, a parent, a partner, or someone whose life was woven into yours. Memories, rituals, everyday routines, all of it suddenly exists only on the inside.

And then everyday life comes rushing back. Emails, meetings, deadlines, birthday messages. The world keeps turning while yours has stopped. Grief cannot be scheduled. It doesn't fit into a coffee break or a status report. And yet, so many people are still expected to just keep functioning.

How do you handle it when someone on your team is grieving? And how would you want to be treated, if you were the one going through it?

When performance matters more than being human

I thought for a long time about whether to share this experience publicly. I spent eleven years at Booking.com, working across different teams, countries, and roles. It was a valuable, formative chapter of my career. And yet there were moments, again and again, when I found myself asking: who am I actually allowed to be as a person, at work?

People talked openly about vacations, weddings, kids. But the moment topics like loneliness, separation, illness, or death came up, the response was quick: "That's private." When I mentioned that I was training as a volunteer family companion at a children's hospice, I was told it was "too sad" and that it brought the mood down. Other times, people just went quiet when I brought it up. Over time, I simply stopped sharing that part of my life.

That's the point where I started questioning what humanity at work actually means.

When did we stop sharing the hard parts of life with each other? And what does it do to us, when we act like work is a place where feelings aren't allowed?

Over a million reasons to finally pay attention

In 2024, roughly 3.07 million people died in the United States. (Source: CDC National Center for Health Statistics) A significant share of them were still in the middle of their working lives, colleagues, parents, partners, friends.

When we look at numbers like that, can we really keep telling ourselves that grief is "private"? Do we actually believe people drop their pain at the office door each morning and walk in as a perfectly functioning version of themselves?

Grief comes to work with us, whether we talk about it or not. Some people hold up a mask. Others cling to their work just to keep from falling apart.

And this belongs here too: grief after a miscarriage or stillbirth. A loss that often stays invisible, because almost no one talks about it. Many people return to work far too soon, out of a sense of obligation, out of fear of being seen as "not resilient enough," or even out of fear of losing their job. Meanwhile, they carry an unspeakable emptiness that goes neither seen nor named. This form of grief is just as real, just as painful, and deserves exactly the same space, the same recognition, and the same compassion as any other.

If we, as a society and as organizations, could truly accept that grief is simply part of life, we would understand something important: it belongs to all of us. It might affect your colleague today. It might be you tomorrow.

Training for Everything, Except Compassion

During my years in corporate life, I attended countless training sessions: feedback, leadership, time management, sales, presentation skills. But never a single one on grief in the workplace.

Why? Because the topic is uncomfortable. And yet that discomfort is exactly a sign that it's time to pay attention.

A single workshop per year that gives leaders and teams some orientation would already make a difference, before a crisis hits. Because one thing is certain: it will hit. People will say goodbye to loved ones. They already are. Colleagues will die. And how organizations respond will determine whether trust grows, or breaks. The Silence After a Colleague's Death

Two months before I left the company, a colleague I had worked closely with for years died. I found out on Facebook while I was on vacation in Hawaii, not from my manager. His explanation: he didn't want to "disturb" me.

That sentence hit me hard. Because it showed how unprepared most organizations are when it comes to grief.

Later, a psychologist was brought in to support the team in a single online meeting. I offered my own support, since I was already working as a grief companion, but my offer was declined. A virtual memorial took place, but many people who had worked closely with her were not invited. The feedback was subdued, the atmosphere heavy, and shortly after, the subject was quietly closed.

That's when I knew: I want to work somewhere where humanity doesn't end when someone dies. I want grief and recognition to have a place.

People like my colleague, who give so much and put so much of themselves aside to make things happen, often contribute enormously to a company's success through their dedication and commitment. They bring knowledge, time, and loyalty, and for exactly that reason, they deserve to be valued, not only while they're alive, but beyond their death too. And something crucial is often overlooked: employees watch very carefully what happens when someone in the organization dies, or how someone is treated when they've lost a loved one. They sense whether the compassion is genuine or whether silence is preferred. And they draw their own conclusions. In the best case, trust and connection grow. In the worst case, distance grows and people ask themselves: Would it be the same for me? And sometimes that's the exact moment when people start wondering whether they belong there at all.

How do you handle death in your team? What do people need in those moments to not go silent? And what does our relationship with grief say about the culture of an organization?

Why Humanity Also Makes Business Sense

Organizations invest time and money in their people, in training, recruiting, leadership. But when someone is left alone in a crisis, the organization loses far more than productivity: it loses trust, loyalty, and its humanity.

Someone who has poured years of commitment, knowledge, and heart into their work doesn't want to be reduced to their functionality when things get hard. A workplace culture that ignores grief doesn't just lose people over time, it loses its own credibility.

A Culture of Grief Doesn't Start in a Crisis, It Starts Today

All of these experiences led me to create my online course, trauer@work. It shows companies and leaders how to understand grief, support those who are grieving, and integrate it into their culture, in a way that is professional, human, and practical.

Why it's worth addressing this proactively:

• A trusted resource in the team: After the course, you'll be a reliable point of contact in your HR role, someone who offers orientation and strengthens a supportive team dynamic.

• Preventive action: Like a first aid course, this training gives you clear guidelines for handling situations involving grief, creating structures that provide stability and foster an open workplace culture.

• Prepared for when it happens: Grief in the workplace brings uncertainty. How do you bring it up? How can you actually help? After this course, you'll know how to respond with respect and sensitivity and stand genuinely by those who need it.

• Return to work: Coming back after a loss can be hard. You'll learn how to sensitively support people through that transition, recognize their needs, and create a workplace where they feel held.

What you learn in the course reaches far beyond the workplace, it carries into your personal life too. Once learned, it can be applied again and again, whether you're supporting a colleague, a friend, or a family member.

As the founder of t.rau*raum, I bring over eleven years of international business experience together with my work as a grief companion, meditation teacher, and volunteer family companion at a children's hospice. This combination allows me to create concrete solutions for a workplace culture that is both human and professional. If you'd like to understand why grief looks so different from person to person and rarely follows a tidy model, Stages of Grief: What the Model Actually Gets Right and Wrong is a good place to start.

Conclusion: Grief Needs Room, Even Between Emails and Meetings

Grief is not a disruption in the system. It's part of being human. It reminds us that work isn't only about goals, it's also about relationships. When we have the courage to make grief visible in the workplace, we don't just create space for pain, we create space for compassion, trust, and real connection.

I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments. If you feel your organization is ready to create a more human approach to grief, take a look at my course trauer@work , or reach out to me directly. Let's make sure that humanity has its place in the workday too.

Frequently Asked Questions About Grief in the Workplace

Am I allowed to show that I'm grieving at work?

Yes, absolutely. There's no rule or policy that says grief has to stay hidden at work. Many people still feel unsure about it, mostly because visible grief is so rarely modeled openly in professional settings.

What do I do if my employer doesn't know how to respond?

That's extremely common, and it's usually not a lack of care, just a lack of experience. An honest, specific conversation about what you actually need often helps far more than waiting for the "right" response to appear on its own.

Why does a colleague's death often get handled so quietly at work?

Usually out of uncertainty, not indifference. Most companies simply don't have a process or experience for these situations, and default to silence, even though visible support matters most in exactly these moments.

Does grief after a miscarriage or stillbirth count as workplace grief too?

Yes, without question. This kind of loss often stays invisible because so few people talk about it, but it's just as real and deserves the same space and recognition as any other form of grief.

What can a company actually do to build a better grief culture?

Even a single workshop a year for leaders can make a real difference, along with having clear steps already in place before a crisis happens. It's less about big programs and more about being willing to talk about it in the first place.