Grieving Your Mom: Margarita's Story of Loss and Life After

Interview conducted in 2025

What does it feel like to say goodbye to your beloved mom? What can hold you when grief knocks you down, and where can new hope begin to show?

I believe we all carry the fear of having to say goodbye to someone we love. Some people dare to face that fear. Others push it away or try to ignore the finiteness of life, hoping it won’t happen to them, at least not now, not so soon.

But it can happen to us at any moment. The very thing we fear most. Illness, an accident, death: suddenly everything is different.

In this interview, I’d like to introduce you to a woman I had the privilege of accompanying as she said goodbye to her mom. Margarita is 24. For two years, she stood side by side with her mom through her cancer. Two days after Margarita started grief counseling, her mom died. Now she faces the reality of building a life without her beloved mom.

What she learned from her mom during this time, which memories give her strength today, and what has held her up: you’ll find it in this interview. This conversation speaks not only to people who are grieving right now. It also offers important insight to anyone who has so far only lived with the fear of loss, and shows that grief isn’t only pain. It can also open a path deeper into life.

In this interview: Losing her mom to cancer at 24 · Memories of Mom · Before her mother died · What helps when grieving your mom · Words for others · Grief counseling before and after the loss · What her story shows

Theres: t.rau*raum is named the way it is because I believe death and grief deserve space, a place where feelings can simply be, without being judged or pushed away. Dear Margarita, to begin our interview, I’d like to ask you a special question:

Imagine we meet in an elevator on the way up. For a brief moment, we share this small space. As our eyes meet, I ask you: when you walk into a room, what fills it more?

Margarita: When I walk into a room, I bring hope with me. Even in pain, I believe something bigger carries us.

About Margarita: Losing Her Mom to Cancer at 24

Theres: Which qualities do you especially like about yourself?

Margarita: I absolutely love helping people, pulling them out of a low point or a difficult situation and building them back up. Sometimes that quality feels like a burden too, because you end up expecting the same from others. But you shouldn’t make your willingness to help depend on how others respond. It should come from the heart. I’m also very ambitious, and when I set my mind to something, I really want to make it happen, even if right now a lot of my focus is on grief and the procrastination that comes with it.

Theres: What matters to you in life?

Margarita: I want to know that my loved ones and I are safe and free. Despite everything, I’m a positive person, and it’s important to me to stay as happy as I possibly can in this moment, despite my loss, and to enjoy life to the fullest. I want to experience fun, happiness, and love as often as possible, and I try to create those moments myself.

Theres: Who are you grieving?

Margarita: I’m grieving my beloved mom, who sadly had to leave this world far too early, at just 49.

Memories of Mom That Stay

Theres: Which three words would best describe your mom?

Margarita: My mom was so many things that it’s hard to do her justice in three words. But I’ll try: she was incredibly helpful, loving, and strong.

Theres: Would you tell me who your mom was to you, and how you remember her when you think of her?

Margarita: My mom wasn’t just the woman who gave me life. She was so much more. She was my best friend. I could talk with her for hours about everything under the sun, and she understood me. She could catch me in any difficult situation and pull me back up, so I always found support in her. I’ll always see her as the strong woman she was. Even though the cancer tried to make her weak, she defied it and showed me that you can keep your spirit and who you are, even with such a serious diagnosis.

Beyond that, she was the whole package. I wanted to go to the hairdresser, and my mom could cut my hair. I went to a restaurant, but why, when I had the best cook in the world at home? I had a cold, and no medicine helped me as much as her raspberry tea. Boy problems? Off to a relationship coach? Nonsense. Mom had the best advice and turned me into a coach myself. Problems at school? Impossible when Mom studied with me. Why go to a tutor?

I could give so many more examples, but I think it’s clear that she played a huge role in my life, and always will, even if she’s no longer here physically. Thank you, Mom.

Theres: Is there an image, a moment, or a gesture of hers that stays with you in particular?

Margarita: The moment I woke up every morning as soon as I heard she was awake and already sitting in the kitchen. I woke up happy every morning, because I knew I’d have coffee with her and talk with her. Now that’s one of the hardest moments: getting up every morning and drinking my coffee alone.

Theres: What are you grateful to your mom for?

Margarita: I’m incredibly grateful to her for my life. She gave up her life in another country so she could give me the chance to come to Germany. She left her own mother, her brother, and the love of her life so I could have a chance at a better life. She passed that determination, strength, and love on to me, and I can pass those qualities on to the people who matter to me. She loved me unconditionally, took care of me, and made sure I never lacked anything. I’m also so grateful that she brought my sister into the world so I wouldn’t be alone. She said that herself. Thank you, Mom!

Before Her Mother Died: When the World Goes Quiet

Theres: Your mom died on June 21, 2025. Take me back to the days, weeks, or months before. How did you experience that time?

Margarita: It’s a time I don’t like to think back on, because it was marked by suffering and pain from her cancer. But that intense time was also marked by unconditional love, strength, and togetherness. I was completely focused on how I might save her from dying, even though I knew rationally that our time was limited. I did a lot of research, talked to doctors, worked full-time, studied part-time, and took care of her as best I could. I had no time for myself and forgot who I actually am and what’s good for me. I was at the hospital with her almost every day, drove her to her treatments, and was there for her procedures so I could hold her hand. It was important to me to do everything I could to help her. She was never alone for a single day, and I was always by her side.

What Helps When Grieving Your Mom

Theres: What helps you cope with your grief? Are there small rituals, people, or places that give you support?

Margarita: It helps me to talk about it in grief counseling and let all my feelings and thoughts flow freely. My boyfriend is a big support too, because he builds me back up when I’m struggling. He distracts me, and with him I can let go and allow my grief. Sports help too, and staying busy in everyday life, because otherwise you lose structure and footing. My mom always said: “You can never get bored, because there’s always enough to do.” And she was right. Distraction and structure are very important, just like consciously facing the loss, for example by going to the cemetery. There I tell Mom about my life, just like before, and hope she hears me.

Theres: What role does the memory of your mom play for you today, in your life, your daily routine, your heart?

Margarita: My mom was an incredible inspiration and source of strength for me and everyone around her. I try to live up to her and carry her values forward, because part of her will always live on in me. When it’s hard for me to take care of myself, for example, I remember that even in her worst moments, she still thought about her face cream to keep her skin moisturized, or plucked her eyebrows as the ambulance came to pick her up. If she could do that in that state, then I can at least manage my everyday self-care rituals.

Theres: Is there something that gives you new strength, maybe a thought, an image, or a sentence you keep telling yourself?

Margarita: I try to remember that one day, when it’s my turn (hopefully very late), I’ll see her again. Then I want to tell her about my life, which I lived with dignity, so we’ll have something to laugh about again. Three weeks before she died, she wrote me a birthday message with all her wishes for me, including the wish that I stay strong. I tell myself that sentence again and again when I feel myself breaking, and it will carry me forever.

What Helps After Your Mom Dies: Margarita’s Words for Others

Theres: If other people going through something similar read your words, what would you want them to take with them, so they feel less alone?

Margarita: I really struggle with how incredibly unfair it feels to have lost my mom so early. No one around me has been through this and can understand me, but over time you realize you’re not alone. There are so many people going through something similar. You just can’t see it. Sooner or later, everyone faces it, and it helps to be there for yourself when there’s no one close by to support you. Be the help for yourself that you wish you had from others.

It helps me to focus on my goals and dreams and make them happen. Sports are also really good for the mind and body, because you find your way back to yourself.

How Friends Can Really Support Someone Who Is Grieving

Theres: What would you say to people who have someone close to them going through something similar? How can they truly show up and support that person?

Margarita: After the funeral, people around me said they were there for me and I should reach out whenever I needed something. But their interest dropped off sharply after two weeks, and I realized life goes on for everyone else and they stopped checking on me. Since I’m not someone who actively asks others for help, especially because I don’t even know how to put into words what kind of help I need, I can only offer this tip:

If someone in your life has lost a loved one, please go to them and offer concrete help, whether that’s buying groceries, suggesting an activity together, or meeting up and letting the person let all their feelings out. The supposedly small things suddenly become so important, because in grief you quickly forget to go grocery shopping, cook yourself something nice, or go to the movies. Just show that your words are followed by action. That means so much in such a hard time.

What Grieving Your Mother Feels Like, Physically and Emotionally

Theres: How do you experience grief physically or emotionally? Are there moments when it catches you off guard?

Margarita: At first, of course, it was hard to sleep, eat healthily, work, and drive. I couldn’t focus on anything and depended on the help of the people around me. It’s getting better now, but emotionally there are definitely moments that throw me right back into my grief. At home we still have family photos with my mom in them, and it’s so hard to look at those pictures where she was still laughing and we were a beautiful, happy family, because we can never be that way again.

When I see other daughters my age or older with their mothers, on the street or online, I feel a kind of envy, because I can never be with my mom the way they can. That’s something I want to work on, because I’ve never been someone who envies others. What I’ve learned during this time: grief doesn’t follow a fixed pattern or timeline. It comes in waves, sometimes quieter, sometimes louder.

Grief Counseling Before and After Losing Your Mother

Anticipatory Grief: When Goodbye Begins Before Death

Theres: What made you seek support in your grief, and when did you start giving your grief space with me?

Margarita: I’m actually someone who tries to solve everything alone and rarely asks for help. But when I realized my mom would die soon, I knew I couldn’t (and didn’t want to) do it alone. Since my mom’s diagnosis, I’d been in anticipatory grief and kept it to myself, which meant I couldn’t really give the grief itself any space. I think we can do anything we set our minds to, but sometimes we don’t have to do it alone, especially when it comes to the death of someone we love. Thank God I came across you and was able to talk with you even before my mother died.

What Grief Counseling Feels Like

Theres: How did you experience our first conversation?

Margarita: I reached out, and I think you called me the same day. First, I found your voice so pleasant and calming. I immediately felt you were someone I could confide in and who would carry me through this hard time. We got along really well, and even though I was extremely emotional before and at the start of the call and cried a lot, afterward I felt a lightness I hadn’t felt in so long. After a longer first conversation, you’d already built a foundation of trust between us, and I couldn’t wait to talk to you again.

Theres: If someone asked you, how would you describe grief counseling with me?

Margarita: Actually, it’s not just a hypothetical question. People often ask me how I feel about my grief counseling with you, and to put it simply: unique. You’ve been with me for almost three months now, and in that time I’ve been through so much suffering and pain. But counseling helps make it more bearable. We talk about new topics each time, so after every session I leave with new ideas and perspectives that I couldn’t see before, with my view narrowed by grief.

The counseling is very understanding, empathetic, warm, and inspiring. Since I don’t want to just stay in the pain, but want to keep living my life as well as I possibly can in this situation, you’re the right person for me. Of course there are also very sad moments when I have to face my pain, but we all have to, otherwise we’d just be putting the grief off.

Theres: What wishes for your life have you been able to work out or see more clearly through counseling?

Margarita: After every call, I notice that I want to move forward in my life and not just stand still. I don’t want my grief to dictate my life. I want to decide for myself when and how I grieve. I want to keep living my normal life as best I can, because at the end of the day, I can’t change the fact that my mom can’t be with me physically anymore. But she would have wanted me to stay strong and carry on as best I can. Your support helps me so much with that.

What Margarita’s Story Shows About Grieving a Mother

1. Grief often starts before the death. Margarita had been grieving since her mom’s diagnosis. This anticipatory grief is real, and support can help during that time too, not only afterward.

2. Concrete help beats “call me anytime.” After two weeks, things went quiet around her. What would have helped: someone who goes grocery shopping, calls, or suggests a movie night. More in How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving: What to Say and Do.

3. Grief comes in waves. Family photos, other daughters with their moms, the morning coffee: grief returns unexpectedly, sometimes quieter, sometimes louder. Why that isn’t a setback is something I explain in Stages of Grief: The 5 Stages and Why Grief Isn’t Linear.

You can read about the psychological effects of losing a mother, and what helps, in Losing Your Mother: Psychological Effects and What Helps. What it’s like to lose both parents is something Nadja shares in her interview about losing both parents.

Maybe you recognize yourself in some of these feelings. Maybe you’re grieving someone you love. Then know this: you’re not alone, and there can be spaces where everything that moves you has room.

Frequently Asked Questions About Grieving Your Mother

How long does it take to process your mother’s death?

There’s no fixed timeline. Some people experience intense grief for months, others for years, and both are normal. What matters more than the length of time is allowing yourself this path without comparing it to anyone else’s.

Is there support for anticipatory grief, when a loved one is still alive but seriously ill?

Yes. This is called anticipatory grief, and it begins before the actual goodbye, when someone you love is seriously ill or dying. I support people in exactly this situation, for example to work through open questions, deal with fear and guilt, or make the remaining time more meaningful.

Is it normal to feel envy when I see others with their mothers?

Yes, it’s a very human reaction and nothing to feel bad about. Envy in grief usually doesn’t come from resentment, but from the pain of your own loss. Over time, this feeling usually changes.

Why does support from others fade so quickly after the funeral?

It’s rarely a lack of compassion. Everyday life simply moves on for everyone else while the grieving person is still in the middle of the loss. It helps to ask for concrete help rather than waiting for it to be offered.

Do I need professional grief counseling, or is talking to family and friends enough?

There’s no “need.” Some people find enough support around them. Others benefit from counseling as well, precisely because they can speak openly there without worrying about other people’s feelings. Both can exist side by side.

Is your mom seriously ill, or has she already died? Online grief counseling supports you before and after the loss. In our grief group for losing a mother or father, you’ll meet people who understand what you’re going through.

Theres Kirisits is a certified grief counselor and the founder of t.rau*raum. She offers online grief counseling and grief groups in English or German, including on weekends and holidays, with a first session available within 48 hours. She also leads workshops on grief in the workplace. About Theres