Working While Grieving: Is Grief Even Allowed Here?

In short: Yes, you’re allowed to grieve at work. You don’t owe anyone a performance of being fine. It usually helps to tell your manager briefly what happened, what you need over the next few weeks, and what you’d rather not talk about. Grief comes to work with you, whether anyone talks about it or not.

What Happens When No One Talks About It

When someone you love dies, or a life-limiting diagnosis comes in, your world can collapse in a single moment. Maybe it’s a child, a sister, your mother or father, a partner, or someone you shared your life with. Memories, rituals, everyday routines: all of it suddenly exists only on the inside.

And then everyday life comes back. Emails, meetings, deadlines, birthday messages. The world keeps turning while yours stands still. Grief can’t be scheduled. It doesn’t fit into a coffee break or a report. And yet so many people are expected to just keep functioning.

How do you handle it when someone on your team is grieving? How would you want to be treated if it were you?

When Performance Matters More Than Humanity

I thought for a long time about whether to share my personal experience. For eleven years I worked at Booking.com, across different teams, countries, and roles. It was a valuable time that taught and shaped me. And yet there were moments when I asked myself: Who am I actually allowed to be as a person at work?

People talked a lot about vacations, weddings, and kids. But as soon as topics like loneliness, breakups, illness, or death came up, the response was quick: “That’s private.” When I mentioned I was training as a volunteer family companion at a children’s hospice, I was told: “That’s too sad, it brings the mood down.” Or everyone just went quiet when I talked about it. Over time, I stopped sharing anything about myself.

That’s when I started asking what humanity at work actually means.

When did we stop sharing the hard things with each other? And what does it do to us when we pretend work is a place where feelings don’t belong?

Millions of Reasons to Pay Attention

Every year, more than three million people die in the United States (CDC), and around one million in Germany. Many of the people left behind are in the middle of their working lives: colleagues, parents, partners, friends.

Looking at numbers like these, can we really keep telling ourselves grief is “private”? Do we believe people leave their pain at the office door each morning and walk in as a perfectly functioning version of themselves?

Grief comes to work with people whether we talk about it or not. Some wear a mask. Others hold on to work to keep from falling apart.

And this belongs here too: grief after a miscarriage or stillbirth. A loss that often stays invisible because hardly anyone talks about it. Many people go back to work far too soon, out of duty, fear of seeming “unable to cope,” or even fear of losing their job. They carry an emptiness no one sees or names. This grief is just as real and deserves the same space. More in Grief After Miscarriage.

If we acknowledge, as a society and as companies, that grief is part of life, we understand: it belongs to all of us. Today it may be your coworker. Tomorrow it may be you.

How to Tell Your Manager Someone Died

You don’t have to share everything. But a few sentences can take a lot of pressure off, because the people around you can understand why you have less capacity right now. For example:

• A short email: “My mother died over the weekend. I’ll be offline until Wednesday and will check in after that.”

• In a conversation: “I’ve had a major loss. I want to keep working, but I’ll need some flexibility over the next few weeks.”

• Setting boundaries: “I’d rather not talk about it with the team. Please just let them know I’ve had a death in the family.”

You can also say what would help: shorter days, working from home, fewer client meetings, one go-to contact.

When You Can’t Concentrate at Work

Many grieving people are shocked by how hard work suddenly feels. You reread sentences three times, forget appointments, and simple tasks take enormous effort. That’s not weakness. It’s a normal grief response: your brain needs a lot of capacity to process the loss right now. More in Physical Symptoms of Grief.

What can help:

• Lists instead of memory: write everything down, even small things.

• Postpone big decisions when you can.

• Schedule breaks before you desperately need them.

• Put demanding tasks at your best time of day.

Your First Week Back at Work

• Decide beforehand what you want to tell coworkers, and what you don’t.

• Ask your manager for a short return-to-work conversation.

• If possible, start with reduced hours.

• Find a quiet place you can go when a wave of grief hits.

• Expect good days and bad days. Both are normal.

Training for Everything, Except Compassion

During my years in the corporate world, I attended countless trainings: feedback, leadership, time management, sales, presentation skills. But never one on grief in the workplace.

Why? Because the topic is uncomfortable. And that discomfort is exactly why it’s time to pay attention.

A single workshop a year that gives managers and teams some guidance would already make a difference, before a crisis hits. Because one thing is certain: it will. People will lose loved ones. They already are, but hardly anyone talks about it. Colleagues will die. And the way companies respond decides whether trust grows or breaks.

The Silence After a Colleague’s Death

Two months before I left the company, a colleague I had worked with closely for years died. I found out on Facebook while I was on vacation in Hawaii, not from my manager. His explanation: he “didn’t want to disturb me.” That sentence hit me hard. It showed how unprepared many companies are when it comes to grief.

Later, a psychologist was brought in to guide the team through a single online session. I was already working as a grief counselor at that point and offered my support, but it was turned down. A virtual memorial meeting took place, but many people who had worked closely with her weren’t invited. The mood was heavy, and shortly after, the topic was quietly dropped.

That’s when I knew: I want to work in a place where humanity doesn’t end when someone dies. I want grief and recognition to have a place.

People like my colleague, who give so much and put their private lives aside to make things happen, often contribute enormously to a company’s success. They bring knowledge, time, and loyalty, and they deserve appreciation, not only while they’re alive, but beyond death too. And something crucial is often overlooked: employees watch very closely what happens when someone in the company dies, or how someone is treated after losing a loved one. They sense whether compassion is genuine or whether silence is preferred. At best, trust grows. At worst, distance grows, along with the question: Would it be the same for me here?

How do you handle death on your team? What do people need so they don’t go silent in moments like these? And what does the way we handle grief say about company culture?

Why Humanity Also Makes Business Sense

Companies invest time and money in their people: training, recruiting, leadership. But when someone is left alone in a crisis, the company loses far more than productivity. It loses trust, loyalty, and humanity.

Someone who has poured years of commitment, knowledge, and heart into their work doesn’t want to be reduced to their output in hard times. A company culture that ignores grief will, over time, lose not just people but its credibility. What employers can concretely do is covered in How Employers Can Support Grieving Employees.

Grief Culture Doesn’t Start in a Crisis. It Starts Today.

All of these experiences led to my online course trauer@work. It shows companies and managers how to understand grief, respond to it, and build it into their culture: professionally, humanely, and in ways that work in everyday life.

Why it’s worth addressing the topic now:

• A trusted contact on the team: after the course, you can be a reliable point of contact in your HR or leadership role, offering guidance and strengthening a supportive culture.

• Act preventively: like a first aid course, you learn clear guidelines for handling grief, so you build structures that create safety.

• Know what to do when it happens: How do you bring it up? How can you help? After the course, you’ll know how to respond respectfully and support people who are grieving.

• Return to work: you learn how to guide people sensitively back into their daily work, recognize what they need, and create a supportive environment.

What you learn carries far beyond the workplace, too: with colleagues, friends, and family.

As the founder of t.rau*raum, I combine more than eleven years of international business experience with my work as a grief counselor, meditation teacher, and volunteer family companion at a children’s hospice. That combination lets me create practical solutions for a grief culture that’s both humane and professional. Why grief looks so different from person to person is something I explain in Stages of Grief: The 5 Stages and Why Grief Isn’t Linear.

Conclusion: Grief Needs Room, Even Between Emails and Meetings

Grief isn’t a malfunction in the system. It’s part of being human. It reminds us that work isn’t just made of goals, but of relationships. When we have the courage to make grief visible at work, we create room for pain, and also for compassion, trust, and real connection.

If you’re grieving and barely know how to get through the workday right now: you don’t have to do this alone. If you want to support a coworker, you’ll find ideas in How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving.

If you’re having thoughts of not wanting to live, please reach out right away. In the US, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). In other countries, contact your local emergency number or a crisis line.

Frequently Asked Questions About Working While Grieving

Is it okay to show grief at work?

Yes. There’s no rule against showing grief at work. Many people still feel unsure, because open grief is rarely modeled in professional life.

Do I have to tell my employer that someone died?

No, you’re not required to. But it can help to let them know briefly, so people can understand your situation and you don’t have to keep explaining why you have less capacity.

How much time off do I get when someone dies?

It depends on your country, your contract, and company policy. In the US there’s no general federal requirement for paid bereavement leave, and many employers offer a few days. If you need more time, talk to HR or your doctor.

What if my manager doesn’t know how to respond?

That’s very common, and usually not ill will, just a lack of experience. An open conversation about what you actually need often helps more than waiting for the right response to appear on its own.

Does grief after a miscarriage count as grief at work?

Yes, absolutely. This grief often stays invisible because so few people talk about it, but it’s just as real and deserves the same space as any other loss.

Grieving and still working? Online grief counseling fits around your workday, including evenings and weekends. For HR and leaders: grief-at-work training.

Theres Kirisits is a certified grief counselor and the founder of t.rau*raum. She offers online grief counseling and grief groups in English or German, including on weekends and holidays, with a first session available within 48 hours. She also leads workshops on grief in the workplace. About Theres