My Mom Died Suddenly: Martina on Life Without Her Mother
What does it feel like when your mother dies suddenly and there was no chance to say goodbye? Martina lost her mom within a week, with a four-month-old baby in her arms.
Interview from 2026
I think most of us assume we will get to say goodbye one day. That there will be a last conversation, a last hug, a moment when we know: this is the goodbye. When your mom died suddenly, that moment never came.
In this interview, I want to introduce you to Martina. I know her through my work, including a one-day grief retreat in Burgenland, Austria. Her mom was acutely ill, but no one expected her to die. One week later, she was gone. When we talked, that was four years ago.
Martina’s story shows that joy and pain can exist in the very same moment. Maybe you will recognize a little of yourself in her words.
In short: When your mom dies suddenly, there is often no goodbye, and grief comes in waves, even years later. Joy and grief can exist side by side
In this interview, you’ll learn
how Martina lived through the week her mom died
what it is like to be a mom yourself while grieving your own mother
why the first year of grief is not a finish line
what she wishes friends and family had done
what still gives her strength today
You can watch the full conversation on YouTube (in German): The conversation with Martina on YouTube
About Martina: Losing Her Mom Suddenly, With a Baby in Her Arms
Martina is a photographer and lives in Vienna with her husband and their two sons. She is an only child. Her mom died one day after her older grandson’s fourth birthday.
Theres: If you introduced yourself without naming your job or where you come from, who are you?
Martina: Until recently, for three years really, I would have introduced myself like this: Hi, I’m Martina, my mom died. That was a huge part of my identity. Her fourth anniversary just passed, and I noticed that only recently have I stopped waking up in the morning with my first thought being: Oh God, Mom is dead.
Today I would say: I’m Martina. I’m a photographer and a mom. I’m someone who loves and someone who questions, I’m very emotional, and I’m a keeper of stories.
Memories of Her Mom That Stay
Theres: Who was your mom?
Martina: My mom was really, really wonderful. She had me when she was 24. She was extremely loving and caring, the very picture of a mom who gives you a home. What I found so special about her was how open-minded she was. You could ask for her opinion, and she was not afraid to give it. But she never offered it unasked. She always let me make my own experiences.
What makes me saddest is that she was the best grandma in the world. It breaks my heart every day that she does not get to see my kids. And most of all, that my kids do not get that from her: the warmth, the love, the endless patience.
Theres: You brought a life-size photo of her to my day retreat. Would you tell us about it?
Martina: It is a photo I took of her two months before she died. She is actually holding my younger son in it. At her funeral service it stood in the church next to the urn, huge, so everyone could hold on to her face.
She was the last person who wanted to be the center of attention. But I think: You die three times, really. When your heart stops beating. When you are buried. And finally, when no one talks about you anymore, looks at your picture, or remembers you. My mom is certainly not dying three times.
When Your Mom Died Suddenly: The Week Everything Changed
Theres: Were there moments when you realized she might die?
Martina: No, absolutely not. She was acutely ill, and we were worried. We said goodbye for the last time in my parents’ living room, with “get well soon” and things like that. But none of us would ever have thought that this was the last time we would see each other alive. I did not get to say goodbye.
Theres: What happened next?
Martina: My parents called an ambulance. During the night she was transferred to a bigger hospital and put into an induced coma. She spent a week in intensive care, and I drove there from Vienna almost every day with my four-month-old baby. I handed my child to the mother of a friend, a woman I barely knew, so I could sit with my mom for an hour and hold her hand.
At first I did not get it at all. I said: You have to fix her, she is the best grandma in the world. Then, on a Friday, I felt that she was going to die. That day I walked into a gemstone shop. I cannot explain it. It was as if something had led me there. I hung the stone around my neck, and it stayed with me every day for the first year and a half, two years.
Two days later was my son’s birthday, and we rode the miniature railway at the amusement park. It was all completely absurd. The next morning the call came: Please come, we have to say goodbye. I jumped on the train with my hair still half wet. I walked into her room, took her hand, and three minutes later the doctor came in and said: She is gone now.
Theres: What makes this sudden death so hard to grasp?
Martina: It was simply an enormous shock. If my mom had one saying, it was “Oh come on, people don’t die that easily.” She said it her whole life whenever someone complained. And then she just dies.
That moment splits your whole life into a before and an after.
I describe what a sudden loss can do to body and mind in Losing Your Mother: Psychological Effects and What Helps.
Being a Mom While Grieving Your Own Mother
Theres: You had just become a mom again. What was it like to live through new life and a goodbye at the same time?
Martina: The big word that stands above everything for me is simultaneity. With kids you may have even more of it. There is this immense joy, this wonder, this gratitude. And in the very same second this immense pain, this longing, the grief.
Being a mother while grieving your own mother: I have never experienced anything more intense. The first months were like a tunnel. Unfortunately, I am good at functioning. Thank God, and unfortunately. I had a nursing baby in my arms, so there was not much room to grieve.
Theres: When do you feel that simultaneity most strongly today?
Martina: At my kids’ milestones. Whether he learns to swim, rides a bike, or has his first day of school: no matter if it is pride or joy or enormous gratitude, there is always this sharp pain in my chest alongside it. I would so love to share it with her.
My mom only had four months on this earth together with my second son. To me, those four months mean everything.
And then there are the small things. The other day I burst into tears because someone asked: What is your favorite food? I am the person who will never eat her favorite food again, because it was my mom’s lasagna.
If you feel numb in the early days, you can read more in Why Can’t I Grieve? Feeling Numb After a Death.
How Long Does Grief Last After Losing Your Mother?
Theres: Many people say you just have to get through the first year. How was that for you?
Martina: In the beginning you believe you have to reach some kind of mark, and at some point it gets better or easier. You work toward something. And then the realization comes: This is how it will be for the rest of my life.
The worst comments for me are the ones tied to time. When people say: So much time has passed, why are you still so sad? It is not as bad every day as it was in the beginning, but again and again it is. It is like waves. Some are huge and pull you under.
You can read why grief follows no schedule in How Long Does Grief Last? Why There’s No Fixed Timeline.
“You’re Over 40 and Still Need Your Mom?”
Theres: You are your mother’s child forever. What do you miss most?
Martina: Being someone’s child means there is someone who always wants the best for you and is there for you unconditionally. That is what I miss most. I have a wonderful husband and the most wonderful kids. But no one takes care of you the way your mom does.
I often hear this: Can’t you manage on your own? You’re over 40 and still need your mom? That is not the point at all. I have my life pretty well together. But there is no shame in saying how immensely I miss her. When such a central role falls away, the oldest one we have in life, you have to find your identity again from zero.
One of the saddest things is coming to my parents’ house without her. That used to be the best vacation there is. Now my dad is so happy that we are there. But no bed is made and no meal is waiting. Everything is missing.
What Helps When Your Mom Has Died: Martina’s Words for Others
Theres: What would you say to someone who is grieving right now and finds it hard to talk about it?
Martina: That all feelings are allowed to be there, and that you are allowed to show them. My experience is: as soon as you open up, other people open up too.
I say: My mom died, she is dead. That is hard for people, they flinch every time. But in the early days I dimmed my grief so it would not be uncomfortable for others, and I am tired of that.
How Friends Can Really Support Someone Who Is Grieving
Theres: How did the people around you react?
Martina: People simply do not want anything to do with the subject. Everywhere I turned, people ducked away. That is a huge extra weight on top, when you lose friends because it is too much effort for them, too pessimistic, or too sad.
It took me a long time to understand: Some of them do care about me, they are just completely overwhelmed. In our society we do not learn how to be with grieving people, how to simply be there. There were people who left food at my door, and I will never forget that. But someone who would bear it with me, without trying to make it go away or talk it away, I did not find anywhere.
Theres: What would you have wished for instead?
Martina: That people talk about her. Many believe that if they mention her, they remind me of what happened. Hello, I think about nothing else every day. I have not forgotten that she died.
For me, the most beautiful thing is when I notice: She left a mark, she touched someone. A friend of hers told me: I always scold her when I go to the cemetery. How could you leave me alone? To me, that is proof that my mom was really here. Not just for me, but in the world.
Since my mom died, I have talked with people whose mom died too. All I can say then is: I have no words either, and it is just awful. But I am here and I am listening. That is what I would have wished for so much.
To share with people around you: How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving: What to Say and Do. And if your friendships are changing right now: Losing Friends After a Loss: Why Friendships Change in Grief.
Can You Compare One Loss With Another?
Theres: How do you feel about comparisons, for example: The death of a child is much worse than the death of a mother?
Martina: That does not exist. You cannot compare it. There are no rankings in grief. It can be just as terrible when a pet dies. What do I know about how much someone can love their dog or their cat? How a loss feels for the individual person is not something anyone can judge.
What Still Gives Martina Strength
Theres: Is there something that helps you in particular?
Martina: Pictures. My dad is more the type who feels pain when he looks at photos. For me they are deeply comforting. I am endlessly grateful that I took so many pictures of my mom.
My older son has a little audio figure that my parents once recorded stories and songs for. Her voice is on it, she reads books aloud. Take the photos, make the videos, record the voices. The photos where you wonder, should I take this one or not: take the photos.
Grief Counseling After the Sudden Death of Your Mother
Theres: What would you say to people who think support will not really change anything?
Martina: I do not really like giving advice, and what I like least is brushing it off with: Hey, it will be fine. But: Get support, get help, you do not have to go through this alone. There are online grief groups, there are local offers. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe you start small and tell one person how you are really doing.
That is also why I agreed to record this conversation. I cannot take away anyone’s pain. But I can at least show: You are not alone.
Since I became a grief counselor, I have noticed how quickly people open up when they feel they are in a safe space. In the end, you can only get help if you talk about it. That is the space I want to offer you: a place where you can talk about your mother without dimming your grief.
If you would like to try it: In 1:1 grief counseling, a first appointment is possible within 48 hours, online and in English or German.
What Martina’s Story Shows About the Sudden Death of a Mother
A missing goodbye is not a failure. Martina said goodbye with a “get well soon,” the way anyone would. No one could have known it was the last time.
Joy and grief do not cancel each other out. You can be happy about your child and miss your mother in the same moment. One takes nothing away from the other.
Grief has no expiration date. The first year is not a finish line. Grief gets quieter and comes back in waves, even after four years.
Remembering feels good. Talking about the person who died does not reopen a wound. It shows that she left a mark.
You can read how another daughter experienced saying goodbye to her mom in Grieving Your Mom: Margarita’s Story of Loss and Life After.
Frequently Asked Questions When Your Mother Died Suddenly
How do I cope after my mom died suddenly?
A sudden death cannot be processed in a few weeks, because there was no time to prepare for it. Shock, functioning on autopilot, and the feeling of being in the wrong movie are common first reactions. What helps many people is talking about what happened, keeping memories alive, and finding people who can stay with the grief.
How do I deal with not getting to say goodbye?
Not getting to say goodbye is one of the hardest parts of a sudden death, and it cannot be made up for. Many people do find their own form of goodbye later on. That can be a letter, a ritual at the grave, or a photo that gets a permanent place.
How long does grief last after your mother dies?
There is no fixed timeline. Grief for your mother has no expiration date, because you remain her daughter or son forever. For most people it gets quieter over time and returns in waves, for example on birthdays, on the anniversary of her death, or at your own children’s milestones.
Is it okay to feel happy after my mom died?
Yes. Joy and grief can be there in the same moment. Feeling happy does not mean you miss your mother any less. Martina calls this simultaneity.
Do I need professional grief counseling, or is talking to family and friends enough?
You do not need to do anything. For some people, the support of those around them is enough. Grief counseling can help if you notice that you hold back your grief in front of others, that you have only been functioning for months, or that the missing goodbye will not let you go. Your loss does not have to be “bad enough” for that.
Did Your Mother Die Suddenly?
Grief counseling helps, whether your loss was last week or years ago. In grief counseling or in a grief group, there is room for your grief and for your memories too. Get in touch
About Martina Nell: Martina is a photographer and a keeper of stories. She lives in Vienna with her family. You can find her work at wiewirbleiben.at.
About the author: Theres Kirisits is a certified grief counselor and the founder of t.rau*raum. She offers grief counseling and grief groups online, in German or English, including weekends and holidays, with a first appointment within 48 hours. She also runs workshops on grief in the workplace. More about Theres
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