Grieving Your Mother or Father When the Relationship Was Difficult
Updated: Sep 1
When the Relationship Was Difficult: The Short Answer
If you're grieving your mother or father and the relationship between you was difficult, distant, or even hurtful, your grief is still real, even if it looks nothing like what you see in other people. This is sometimes called ambivalent grief: a mix of loss, relief, anger, guilt, and mourning for a relationship that never quite existed. There's no rulebook for this, and there's no wrong way to feel it.
A lot of people I talk to say some version of this, usually looking down as they say it: "Is it terrible that I also feel relieved?" It isn't. That's exactly what this article is about.
What Is Ambivalent Grief?
Ambivalent grief describes the experience of holding contradictory feelings toward someone who has died at the same time, love and anger, loss and relief, longing and resentment. In a close, warm relationship, grief tends to center mostly on the pain of absence. When the relationship was difficult, people often end up grieving two things at once: the actual person who died, and the parent-child relationship they wished they'd had but never got.
That second layer is easy to miss, both for the people around you and for the person going through it. You're not just grieving a person. You're also grieving a possibility that never happened.
Why This Kind of Grief Often Stays Invisible
Grief researcher Kenneth Doka coined the term disenfranchised grief to describe grief that isn't openly acknowledged, socially recognized, or publicly supported, often because the relationship itself doesn't fit neatly into what society expects to see.
When it comes to a difficult parent relationship, this shows up constantly. People expect uncomplicated grief, "well, they were still your mother" or "they were still your father," without knowing anything about what that relationship was actually like. If you're feeling relief, distance, or even indifference on top of grief, it's easy to feel like something's wrong with you, even though those reactions are completely legitimate.
Common feelings with ambivalent grief
Grief for the real person, in spite of everything
Grief for the relationship you wish it had been, but never was
Relief that a long-standing conflict or constant tension is finally over
Guilt about that very relief
Anger, sometimes only surfacing after the person has died, once a direct conversation is no longer possible
Confusion, because several of these feelings show up at once and seem to contradict each other
None of these feelings cancels out the others. You don't have to pick just one.
Why Guilt Is So Common in This Kind of Grief
Guilt often comes from comparing your own experience to a cultural ideal, the warm, close parent-child relationship you see modeled everywhere. When your own reality looked different, it's easy to feel like you did something wrong, either in the relationship itself or in how you're grieving now.
It helps to be clear about this: a difficult relationship with a parent is not your failure. Children aren't responsible for how their parents treat them, whether that's in childhood or as adults. Getting clear on that usually takes some of the pressure off.
How to Cope With Ambivalent Grief
Let yourself hold contradictory feelings
The most important step is giving yourself permission to hold several feelings that seem to contradict each other at once. You can grieve and feel relieved at the same time. That's not disloyalty to the parent who died. It's an honest reflection of a complicated relationship.
Grieve the relationship you didn't get, too
It can help to intentionally make space for the relationship you wanted but never had. That might look like writing, talking with a grief counselor, or a private ritual where you acknowledge that unmet longing to yourself.
Find people who won't judge
Because this kind of grief is so often misunderstood from the outside, it's especially important to find people, or professional support, who won't rush to judge you or expect you to grieve in a particular way. A space that leaves room for ambivalence is a huge relief.
Be patient with your own process
Ambivalent grief often takes longer to settle, because you're processing several layers at once: the actual loss, the history of the relationship, and sometimes old wounds that were never resolved. That's not a sign that something's wrong with you. It's a reflection of how complex what you're processing really is.
What If the Relationship Involved Abuse or Serious Harm?
When the relationship involved emotional, physical, or other abuse, grief can be even more complex. Some people in this situation feel mostly relief, with very little grief, and end up judging themselves harshly for that, or feeling judged by others. That reaction is also legitimate. There's no obligation to grieve someone who hurt you to the extent that others expect. In these situations, professional support can be especially valuable, offering a protected space to sort through these feelings without judgment.
When to Get Professional Support
If you find that the contradictory feelings are paralyzing you, if guilt becomes overwhelming, or if you feel like there's no one in your life you can be honest with about what this relationship was actually like, a grief counselor or therapist can help. There, you're allowed to show the full range of what you're feeling without having to justify any of it.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to feel relieved after a parent dies?
Yes, especially if the relationship involved conflict, distance, or harm. Relief doesn't cancel out grief. Both can be present at the same time.
Why do I feel guilty, even though I know the relationship was genuinely difficult?
Guilt usually comes from comparing your experience to a cultural expectation of what a "normal" parent-child relationship looks like. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
What's the difference between typical grief and ambivalent grief?
Ambivalent grief involves contradictory feelings, like grief and relief, showing up at the same time, often paired with grief for a relationship that never turned out the way you wanted.
Do I have to grieve a parent who hurt me?
No. There's no requirement to grieve to a particular degree. Whatever your reaction is, whether that's deep grief, indifference, or mostly relief, it's valid.
How do I find support for this kind of grief?
A grief counselor or therapist experienced with complicated or ambivalent grief can offer a space where you can talk honestly about the full range of what you're feeling, without being judged for it.
External Sources
Wikipedia, overview of "Disenfranchised grief" (the concept developed by Kenneth Doka): [the concept of disenfranchised grief] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disenfranchised_grief
Kenneth J. Doka's official author page, with his full body of published work: [Kenneth Doka's research] https://drkendoka.com/
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